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Fun Games To Play #403

2011-10-10T14:15:00.003Z

Sport's Personality 2010

2010-12-19T11:06:00.002Z

This years contest is wide open as there is not any one obvious choice. Swann has helped England to become really good at cricket and is regarded as the best spinner in the world, Ennis won the world indoor and European outdoor setting Britsh records in individual events. AP McCoy finally won the Grand National and Mark Cavendish has nice eyes.

For the second year running Tom Daley received the same number of nominations as the 11th placed athlete and this year double European champion runner Mo Farah misses out.

The overseas award will probably go to Rafa Nadal but contenders include Seb Vettel and David Villa.

Team of the year is likely to go to England's Twenty20 Cricket World Cup winners but contenders include Red Bull F1 or the European Ryder Cup Team.

Pos Athlete             Ach     Pers    Prof    Total
 1  Jessica Ennis      4.5      1.5     2.5     8.5
 2  Graeme Swann       3.5      1.5     3       8
 3  Phil Taylor        5        1.75    1       7.75
 4  Mo Farah           3.5      1       2.5     7
 5  David Haye         3        1.5     2       6.5
 =  Tom Daley          3        2       1.5     6.5
 =  AP McCoy           4        1       1.5     6.5
 =  Lee Westwood       3        1.5     2       6.5
 =  Amy Williams       4        0.5     2       6.5
 =  Graeme McDowell    3.5      1       2       6.5
11  Mark Cavendish     3        1.5     1.5     6

My Day On A Seven Seater (Single Geared) Conference Bike

2010-08-20T22:36:00.005Z

www.cobiuk.com

After a car journey, a brief train ride to Long Buckby (no, I’d never heard of it either) and a lift in the van (which was in the exact state I expected it to be in after almost 3 weeks of things being bundled in and out) I arrived at the Barceló Daventry Hotel (4*). Immediately I was warmly welcomed into the CoBi family by fellow riders, Sarah and Harry. This was a pleasant surprise as I had come fully equipped to camp.

Dinner was delayed due to the fascination of the coach tour that were seduced by the seven seat bike sitting in the foyer, one of whom was 84 year old Walter, a former Cancer Research scientist and avid cyclist. He didn’t need much encouragement to climb aboard for a photo.

Three more cyclists joined us before bedtime and we spend the final hour of the day debating whether or not crocodiles make good pets* and was CoBi a fitness or social thing – the second pint of San Miguel confirmed it was more likely the latter.

After a cosy night sleep (6 beds, 9 people) and a hearty breakfast, we set off, not before wrestling the bike from the members of the coach tour who were threatening to abandon their previous days transportation for Miss CoBi.

On the bike to begin with were Ed (Can I tell you a story?), Amy (Scream if you want to go slower), Laura (the extra weight of that hoodie will slow us down), Martin (I enjoy a good poke), Harry (it’s all about the lycra), Stewart (I could start my own business but I’d rather ride a single gear seven seater bike) and myself (I don’t want this to be too easy), while in the van were Sarah (get you butts up this hill now), Jack (Whatever stories Ed told you, they’re completely made up) and Ian (I think I’ve cracked this driving lark now).

Our first stop came after only 1.5 miles when we were stopped by the man from BBC Radio Northampton for an interview. Over the next few hours we seemed to pick up people at every turn. Paul (I’m going to build my own conference bike) joined us at Towcester after driving 5 hours from Essex that morning, Chris (who needs shoes anyway) and Emily (from Norway) joined at Milton Keynes.

We made good time, completing a marathon distance in under 3 and a half hours, and we were delighted to see an actual buzzard hovering over Leyton Buzzard. There a real life rock band (Spring Offensive) joined the journey taking the total number of riders for the day to 16. They entertained us by playing most of their back catalogue both on the way out of Leyton Buzzard and back into it again. The 40 minute detour was a slight set back but once back on the road it was time to cruise into Hemel just after 7PM, our final destination.

An amazing and motivating day with really interesting people who'd joined in for all kinds of reasons, taking part in something both bonkers and worthy and as I laid my head on my pillow I could still feel my legs spinning round top speed.

If you see this big purple machine in your area in the next week, give them a honk or a cheerful wave and please give generously!

* we decided not as it might eat the cat.

Mascots

2010-05-20T09:36:00.002Z

The Mascots for the London 2012 Olympics have been announced...

There are several Facebook groups suggesting other mascots.

1 Victoria Beckham (139 members)
2 The Gollywogs (79 members)
3 Londino (Berlino Bear from the 2009 World Championships) (42 members)
4 William Shakespuss (38 members)
5 Paddington Bear (22 members)
6 Boris Johnson (7 members)
7 Springy The Springfield Spring (Simpsons) (2 members)
8 The Tellitubbies (1 member)

Eyjafjallajökull

2010-04-19T14:42:00.002Z

What does the erupting Icelandic Volcano look like?
It looks like Chelsea's old tangerine and granite away kit.

Sport's Personality Of The Year 2009 - My Verdict

2009-12-11T16:50:00.003Z

On Sunday, we get to decide on who the biggest British Sport’s Personality of 2009 is. So who should we vote for? Here is my opinion based on a well researched algorithm combining sporting achievement, personality and notoriety. Please feel free to comment.

I think there are 4 main contenders (Ennis, Strauss, Button and Idowu) with Ennis just edging it, though Giggs, Murray or Haye could all sneak in based on their high profile. I have added 4 more names to the list (Wiggins, Rooney, Taylor and Flintoff – who should have been included anyway due to receiving the same number of nominations as Daley).

The overseas award can only go to Usain Bolt, no question.
The team award, I think, should go to Brawn GP, unless you can think of anyone else.

Pos Athlete             Ach     Pers    Prof    Total
 1  Jessica Ennis       4.25    1.5     2.5     8.25
 2  Jenson Button       3.75    1.75    2.5     8
    Phillips Idowu      4       1.5     2.5     8
    Andrew Strauss      3.5     1.5     3       8
 5  Ryan Giggs          2.75    2       3       7.75
    Andy Murray         3.25    2       2.5     7.75
    Wayne Rooney        2.75    2       3       7.75
 8  Andrew Flintoff     2.5     2       3       7.5
 9  David Haye          4       1.25    2       7.25
10  Beth Tweddle        4       1.5     1.5     7
11  Mark Cavendish      3.5     1       1.5     6
    Tom Daley           4       1.5     0.5     6
13  Claire Taylor       4.75    0.5     0.5     5.75
    Bradley Wiggins     3       1.25    1.5     5.75

Achievement (out of 5) - What did they achieve in their sport this year.
5 – Domination
4 – Winning highest award
3 – Winning at a lower level / Performing well at highest level
2 – Overall Notable performances
1 – One or two outstanding performances not consistent
+ 0.5 for unique achievement (e.g. Rebecca Romero)
+ 0.5 for outstanding contribution to a poor team (e.g. Kevin Pietersen).

Personality (out of 2) - How well known they are to the British public.
2 – Known by everyone
1 – Known by sports fans only
0 – Known by fans of specific sport

Profile of Sport (out of 3) - How highly is the sport regarded in the country.
3 – Football, Cricket
2.5 – Rugby Union, Tennis, Formula 1
2 – Boxing, Golf, Snooker
1.5 – Horse Racing, Road Cycling, Gymnastics
0.5 – Women’s Cricket, Diving

Jessica Ennis (Athletics)
After returning from injury which kept her out of the Olympics, Ennis produced a personal best by winning at the combined events challenge in Italy in May and won two events at the UK national championships in July. After the first 4 events of the World Championships, Ennis had scored the third highest 1st day points total ever and won 4 of the 7 events to take the gold medal.

Jenson Button (Formula 1)
In 2008, Button managed just 3 world championship points. His team, Honda pulled out of Formula One in December and Jenson was left without a drive for the new season. Brawn GP took over from Honda less than a month before the opening race of the season however Button won 6 of the first 7 races effectively tying up the world championships by June.

Phillips Idowu (Athletics)
Phillips finally fulfilled his potential by becoming the triple jump world champion with a personal best jump of 7.73 metres in the third round. This distance was the furthest anyone jumped in the whole of 2009.

Andrew Strauss (Cricket)
Took over as England captain from Kevin Pietersen in January and made three centuries against the West Indies. He then led England to victory over Australia in the Ashes, being named England’s man of the series, making the highest innings score (161 at Lords) and scoring more runs than anyone else in the series.
He also led England to their first one day series victory in South Africa.

Ryan Giggs (Football)
Giggs helped Manchester United to the league title and his 11th title and was voted the PFA Player of the Year despite having only started in 12 games. He remains the only player to score a goal in every season of the Premier League since it began in 1992 and this year he has reached the milestones of 800 games and 150 goals for Manchester United and became the 17th player to score 100 Premier League goals.

Andy Murray (Tennis)
In 2009, Murray won 6 ATP titles, including the AEGON Championships at Queen’s Club, 2 Masters titles and briefly reached world number 2 while Nadal was injured. His best performance in a grand slam was at Wimbledon where he lost to an inspired Andy Roddick in the semi-final.

Wayne Rooney (Football)
Rooney is England’s most important player and his 9 goals in 10 qualifying games helped his country reach the 2010 World Cup finals as group winners. He also helped Manchester United win the 2008-9 Premier League title (his third) scoring 20 goals and reaching 100 Manchester United goals, the 20th player to achieve this feat.

Andrew Flintoff (Cricket)
Flintoff became the highest rated IPL player ever but had to come home early due to a knee injury. In June Flintoff announced he would retire from test cricket after the Ashes. His best performance came in the 2nd test at Lords, taking 5 vital wickets on the last day to secure victory. In the deciding test, he superbly ran out Ricky Ponting to help secure a 2-1 series win.

David Haye (Boxing)
In May 2008, Haye relinquished his cruiserweight world titles and moved up a division to heavyweight. He was scheduled to fight the WBC champion, Vitali Klitschko in June but pulled out with a back injury. Instead he lined up a fight with 7 foot tall, WBA champion, Nikolay Valuev, who he defeated in Germany on a close points decision to become Britain’s fifth heavyweight champion ever.

Beth Tweddle (Gymnastics)
In qualifying at the World Championships in London, Beth fell off the uneven bars and landed on the floor, where she won the gold medal, helped in part by the following gymnast bouncing on her head during a tumble. In 2009, she also won two gold medals at the European championships and the Glasgow Grand Prix on the uneven bars and the floor.

Mark Cavendish (Cycling)
Mark is regarded as the world’s fast sprinter in road cycling, and proved that by winning 6 stages of this years Tour de France and finishing second in the points classification (green jersey). This, added to his 4 stage wins in 2008 put him top of the British stage wins list.

Tom Daley (Diving)
In February, Tom retained his British 10 metre title by over 100 points but he was unable to defend his synchronised title as his partner, Blake Aldridge, was injured the week before in a nightclub brawl. Daley continued to finish high up in world series events and in the world championships took the gold medal despite scoring much lower than his best.

Claire Taylor (Cricket)
In March, Taylor helped England win their third world cup and was leading run scorer and named player of the tournament. In June, at the Women’s World Twenty/20 Competition was again named player of the tournament, scoring a vital 76 to defeat Australia in the semi final. Her vital contribution saw England retain the Ashes and she is the first Woman to be listed in Wisden’s Cricketers of the Year.

Bradley Wiggins (Cycling)
Wiggins finished fourth in his first Tour de France, equalling the Robert Millar’s 1984 position as the best place British rider. he also won the British National Time Trial Championships and the Herald Sun Tour held in Melbourne.

England Managers

2009-09-21T15:06:00.000Z

15 Miliseconds Of Fame

2009-01-25T16:31:00.002Z

Zoe Me and Mark on ITV1 - FA Cup Highlights Programme.

Who Does Kaka Belong To?

2009-01-16T14:37:00.001Z

Sport's Personality 2008

2008-12-12T13:46:00.008Z

After a pretty good year for British Sport, who should be named Sport's Personality of the Year? Here is my opinion based on this extremely well researched algorithm.

Sport's Personality Rating = Achievement + Personality + Profile of Sport

Achievement (out of 5) - What did they achieve in their sport this year.
5 – Domination
4 – Winning highest award
3 – Winning at a lower level / Performing well at highest level
2 – Overall Notable performances
1 – One or two outstanding performances not consistent
+ 0.5 for unique achievement (e.g. Rebecca Romero)
+ 0.5 for outstanding contribution to a poor team (e.g. Kevin Pietersen).

Personality (out of 2) - How well known they are to the British public.
2 – Known by everyone
1 – Known by sports fans only
0 – Known by fans of specific sport

Profile of Sport (out of 3) - How highly is the sport regarded in the country.
3 – Football, Cricket, Olympic Athletics
2.5 – Other Olympic Sports, Rugby Union, Tennis, Formula 1
2 – Boxing, Golf, Snooker
1.5 – Horse Racing, Road Cycling, Paralympics
0.5 - Junior Tennis
0 - Cycling Round The World

Pos Athlete             Ach     Pers    Prof    Total
 1  Chris Hoy            5       2       2.5     9.5
 2  Rebecca Adlington    4.5     2       2.5     9
 =  Ben Ainslie          5       1.5     2.5     9
 4  Victoria Pendleton   4.75    1.5     2.5     8.75
 =  Nicole Cooke         4.75    1.5     2.5     8.75
 6  Lewis Hamilton       4       2       2.5     8.5
 =  Christine Ohuruogu   4       1.5     3       8.5
 =  Rebecca Romero       4.5     1.5     2.5     8.5
 =  Steve Williams       4.5     1.5     2.5     8.5
10  Andy Murray          3.5     2       2.5     8
 =  Joe Calzaghe         4       2       2       8
 =  Bradley Wiggins      4       1.5     2.5     8
13  Kevin Pietersen      2       2       3       7
 =  Ellie Simmonds       4       1.5     1.5     7
 =  James DeGale         3       1.5     2.5     7
 =  Wayne Rooney         2       2       3       7
 =  Ryan Giggs           2       2       3       7
 =  Shane Williams       3       1.5     2.5     7
19  Paula Radcliffe      1.5     2       3       6.5
 =  Theo Walcott         1.5     2       3       6.5
 =  David Haye           3.5     1       2       6.5
 =  Mark Cavendish       3.5     1.5     1.5     6.5
23  Danny Cipriani       2       1.5     2.5     6
24  Louis Smith          2       1       2.5     5.5
25  Laura Robson         4       0.5     0.5     5
 =  Ryan Moore           3       0.5     1.5     5
27  Justin Rose          1.5     1       2       4.5
 =  Mark Beaumont        4       0.5     0       4.5

So Chris Hoy is my favourite. Outside bets are Rebecca Adlington and Ben Ainslie.

Da-na da-na da-na da-na, da-na da-na da-na da-na

2008-09-12T10:32:00.004Z

View Larger Map

Euro 2008 Fantasy Tw*tball

2008-06-04T09:09:00.004Z

An alternative to the usual fantasy leagues and sweepstakes is Tw*tball. You pick a team of 11 players and points are scored as follows...

4pts - yellow card.
6pts - second yellow card, or third yellow card if Graham Poll is refereeing.
12pts - straight red card.
4pts - additional if any card received for diving, dissent, overcelebration, sarcastic applause, inappropriate clothing, fighting with officials, spectators or players on his own team, or similar.
20pts - if sent off after second yellow given immediately for protesting against the first yellow card.
4pts - subbed off in first 80 minutes without obvious injury.
10pts - sent on as a substitute and then subbed off again without obvious injury.
10pts - concedes penalty kick.
10pts - scores own goal.
10pts - wins penalty kick by diving or otherwise cheating.
10pts - wins free kick from which goal is scored by diving or otherwise cheating.
10pts - gets opposition player sent off (including second yellow card) by diving or otherwise cheating.
10pts - fails to score from penalty kick.
2pts - every goal conceded in game player appears in.
-4pts - player scores a goal.
-2pts - goalkeeper gets clean sheet.
-6pts - goalkeeper saves penalty.
10pts - team fails to win a game that they were leading by 2 or more goals.

The Name's The Same

2008-06-03T15:15:00.003Z

Pokémon, MewTwo and Adrian Mutu of Romania (and ex-Chelsea).
The question is... was Adrian Mutu...
- created by scientists through genetic manipulation involving repeated recombination, gene splicing, and other DNA experiments over many years.
- able to strike fear into its enemies with cold, glowing eyes.
- in order to always fight at full power, remain motionless to conserve energy.
Probably...

Surreal Regis

2008-06-03T10:22:00.001Z

You're Having A Graph

2008-05-01T14:10:00.007Z

Another post inspired by a Facebook group. This time its "You're Having A Graph". (Some of these I've redone)

Can you guess the songs that have been illustrated graphically?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Jamaica?

2008-04-16T08:52:00.001Z

While searching for an old e-mail containing a photo of a friend dressed as a shepherd in a pub I came across these beauties...

My wife's gone to the West Indies
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.

My wife's gone to Northern Italy
Genoa?
I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.

My wife's had an accident on a volcano
Krakatoa?
No. She broke her leg.

My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
Caracas?
Yes, absolutely loopy.

My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
Kew?
Yes, it was rather busy.

My wife's gone to Malawi
Lilongwe?
Yes, about 5000 miles.

My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea
Seoul?
No, R&B with a touch of Rock & Roll.

My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
Singapore?
Terrible. And the rest of the band was even worse.

Intriguing

2008-04-15T14:51:00.008Z

Here are some pictures from the Facebook group Signs That Fascinate And Intrigue.

Do You Have Chills?

2008-04-11T12:49:00.001Z

Man Flu

2008-04-03T12:40:00.003Z

At lunch today I admitted to having a cold but when asked why I didn't go home I said there was nothing to do there. So they suggested...
- enjoy peace and tranquillity
- learn how to do up my house and then sell it by watching day time television
- make a collage out of pictures from the Argos catalogue
- spider solitaire
- write a will
- plan my funeral

Tasty

2008-04-03T08:02:00.000Z

Created by OnePlusYou

Cheese

2008-03-14T11:12:00.003Z

Seen on the Live Text on the BBC Sport Website before the Champions League Quarter Final Draw. This one comes from Caroline Cheese.

I love football. But if there's one thing I love more than football, it's a football draw. And I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say today's will shake the world to its very core.

Dustin The Turkey

2008-03-04T22:23:00.003Z

Oh I come from a nation,
What knows how to write a song,
Oh Europe where or where did it all go wrong?
Come on!

Irelande douze points!

Drag acts and bad acts and Terry Wogan’s wig
Mad acts and sad acts, it was Johnny Logan’s gig

Shake your feathers and pop your beak,
Shake 'em to the West and to the East,
Wave Euro hands and Euro feet,
Wiggle to the edge of the turkey beat.

Irelande douze points, (x3)
Do the funky beat.

G O B gobble B L E Yeah!

Hello Abba, hello Bono, hello Helsinki,
Ola Prague, hello sailor, c'est la vie,
Alvida sein Mama-Mia, and God Save the Queen,
Bonjoir Serbia, good day Austria,
You know what I mean?

Shake your feathers and pop your beak,
Shake 'em to the West and to the East,
Wave Euro hands and Euro feet,
Wiggle to the edge of the turkey beat.

Irelande douze points, (x3) (fart)
Irelande douze points, (x3)
Do the funky beat.
Come on!

Give us another chance,
We’re sorry for Riverdance,
Sure Flately he’s a Yank,
And the Danube flows through France,
Block voting, shock voting,
Give your 12 today,
You’re all invited to Dublin, Ireland,
And we’ll party the Shamrock way.

Irelande douze points, (x5)
Do the funky beat.
Come on!

Irelande douze points, (x2)

Eastern Europe we love you,
Do you like Irish stew?
Or goulash as it is to you?

Shake your feathers!

Listen Bulgaria we love you,
Belarus, Georgia, Montenegro,
Moldavia, Albania, Croatia,
Poland, Russia, Ukraine,
Macedonia, Love you Turkey,
Hungary, Estonia, Slovakia,
Armenia, Bosnia Herzegovina,
And don’t forget the Swiss!

Taking The [Drugs Test Sample]

2008-02-20T09:36:00.005Z

Sir Matthew Pincent talks tonight on BBC's Inside Sport show about how difficult it will be to catch athletes on performance enhancing drugs.

Maybe the reason its so difficult to catch them is because they are going so fast...
Perhaps the testers need to be on perfomance enhancing drugs themselves?

Une Plaisanterie (A Joke)

2008-02-18T20:30:00.003Z

Il y a deux chats. Le chat de francais s'appelle Un Deux Trois et le chat d'anglais s'appelle One Two Three.

Les deux chats prennent une course de natation dans la piscine.

Le chat d'anglais finition très rapidement mais le chat de français n'a pas fini parce que le chat Un Deux Trois n'a pas pu nager.

Translator

What Were You Thinking As You Walked Into That Tree?

2008-02-04T14:11:00.000Z

As I was thinking about Jeremy Beadle who sadly died last week, I remembered back to when You’ve Been Framed was a great show (Harry Hill has since made it watchable again – c’mon admit it, people falling over is funny). ...“Next time, the star of the show could be you”... They used to have a studio audience and occasionally one of the people in the clips would be in the crowd and Jeremy would interview them: “So what were you thinking just before you walked into that tree / fell into the swimming pool / got hit in the crotch”... brilliant.

Everybody's Doin' The Logo-motion

2008-01-31T13:32:00.000Z

Here is my attempt at the 2012 London Olympic logo...

Here are a couple of other peoples...

But how about this absolute beauty from Tom?

comb ma hair

Poser

2007-12-18T11:31:00.000Z

Here is a question that was in the Royal Statistical Society December Newsletter...

Can you name the missing colour?

Happy Corporate Christmas

2007-12-14T14:21:00.000Z

http://www.unileverchristmas.com/

Sport's Personality 2007

2007-12-05T22:58:00.000Z

So who is the Sport’s personality of 2007? As with last year I rated the contenders in three categories.

- Achievement (/5): what did they achieve in their sport this year.
- Personality (/2): how well known are they to the general British public.
- Profile of the Sport (/3): How highly is the sport regarded in the country.

Pos Athlete             Ach     Pers    Prof    Total
 1  Lewis Hamilton      4.75    2       2.5     9.25
 2  Ricky Hatton        4 / 5*  1.5     2       7.5 / 8.5
    Jonny Wilkinson     3.5     2       3       8.5
 4  Joe Calzaghe        4.5     1.5     2       8
    Jason Robinson      3.5     1.5     3       8
    Christine Ohuruogu  4       1.5     2.5     8
 7  Paula Radcliffe     3       2       2.5     7.5
    David Healy         3       1.5     3       7.5
 9  Andrew Murray       2       2       2.5     6.5
    Nicola Sanders      3       1       2.5     6.5
11  Justin Rose         3       1       2       6
12  James Toseland      4       1       0.5     5.5
*depends on the Mayweather result.

Lewis Hamilton: Finished joint second in his debut F1 season by just 1 point. He broke or equalled records with 9 consecutive podiums from debut race (previous record was 2), 9 consecutive podiums for a British driver (tied with Jim Clark), youngest driver to lead the World Championship, 4 wins in a debut season (tied with Jacques Villeneuve), 6 pole positions in a debut season. More importantly though, he made formula 1 exciting again.

Ricky Hatton: Moved back to Light Welterweight and won IBF belt against Juan Urango in January. This set up a fight with Jose Luis Castillo in which he inflicted the Mexican’s first loss by knock out. On December the 8th Hatton faces fellow unbeaten Floyd Mayweather Jr in what promises to be one of the biggest Welterweight fights ever.

Jonny Wilkinson: England were a completely different team in the World Cup with Jonny playing. He scored 67 points in 5 games and became the World Cup’s highest points scorer ever and the vital kicks against Australia and France took England to a completely unexpected final. At the start of the year he became the highest ever 5/6 Nations points scorer before being sidelined through ankle and rib injuries and suffering from cramp.

Joe Calzaghe: Defended his WBO Super Middleweight belt against “Contender” Peter Manfredo in 3 rounds in April, then in November beat Mikkel Kessler on points to become WBO, WBA and WBC champion. Still undefeated after 44 fights and is now 3rd in the world for the number of title defenses ever.

Jason Robinson: England’s progression to the final of the world cup was most definitely a team performance and its hard to pick out any one player who deserves special mention (including Wilkinson) but one player who never fails to delight and inspire and give his utmost for England is Jason Robinson. England and Rugby will be all the poorer without him.

Christine Ohuruogu: The only British athlete to win gold at the world championships in Japan (albeit because world number 1, Sanya Richards was running the 200m), made all the more remarkable as she had only run 2 races in over a year before Osaka. OK, so she missed 3 drugs tests and all that but having not failed 14 tests out of those she did take and served her year suspension (the process has since been updated to better suit athletes) this is a remarkable story. She also helped Britain win bronze in the relay.

Paula Radcliffe: Ran just 2 competitive races, winning the New York Marathon brilliantly and finishing second in the Great North Run. After giving birth in January she then had to recover from a back injury – having to train in a swimming pool. She has set herself up nicely for a promising 2008.

David Healy: In 2007, Healy scored 9 goals for Northern Ireland in 8 games and they only just missed out on qualification for their first ever European Championship Finals. He finished as the top scorer in qualifying for the whole of Europe and is Northern Ireland’s top scorer and Britain 5th with 33 goals. He is yet to make an impact on the Premier League.

Andrew Murray: Won in an Australian Open record equalling 6-0, 6-0, 6-1 against Alberto Martin in the first round but lost to Nadal in 5 sets in the fourth round. He won in San Jose but injury forced him out of the French open and Wimbledon, however he did rise to number 8 in the world. After returning from injury he won in St Petersburg and helped Great Britain beat Croatia in the Davis Cup. Nothing particularly special from Murray this year but he is definitely improving and a grand slam victory could be his within the next few years.

Nicola Sanders: Ran the 3 world fastest times for indoor 400m this year and became the 5th fastest indoors, taking European Gold. She became the 4th Briton to run under 50 seconds outdoors in taking silver at the world championships and helped anchor the British team home to a relay bronze in Osaka. In doing so, she helped break the British record by 2 seconds and became the fastest female UK athlete for a 400 metre relay leg by over half a second.

Justin Rose: Finishes the year as ranked number 6 in the world and the highest European player. He won both the Australian and Volvo Masters on his way to taking the 2007 European Order of Merit, and his consistent play allowed him to finish 12th or better in all 4 majors. There is still a way to go before he is recognised as among the elite British sporting personalities.

James Toseland: Won his second World Superbike title with 8 wins and 14 podiums in 23 races, including a double win at Brands Hatch. Next year he moves up to MotoGP with Yamaha.

Q Without U

2007-12-04T14:14:00.000Z

If you've been playing Scrable / Scrabulous on Facebook then you'll be familiar with the word QI as its the most effective way to play a Q with out following it with U. Here are the other Q without U's I've found.

BUQSHA(S) - an aluminum-copper coin and monetary unit of Yemen.
BURQA(S) – a loose robe worn by Muslim women covering head to toe.
FAQIR(S) – a Muslim of Hindu holy man.
MBAQANGA(S) – a style of South African music.
QABALAH(S) – mystical teachings of rabbinical origin.
QADI(S) – a judge in a Muslim community
QAID(S) – a Muslim tribal chief, judge, or senior official
QANAT(S) – a gently sloping underground tunnel for irrigation purposes.
QAT(S) – the leaves of the shrub Catha edulis
QI(S) – the vital force thought to be inherent in all things.
QINDAR(S) – a monetary unit of Albania .
QIVIUT(S) – the soft, dense, light-brown woolly undercoat of the musk ox.
QOPH(S) – the nineteenth letter of the Hebrew alphabet.
QWERTY(S) – keyboard having the keys in traditional typewriter arrangement.
SHEQEL(S) – ancient Hebrew coin, ancient Babylonian weight.
SUQ(S) – traditional Arabian bazaar.
TRANQ(S) – sedative.
UMIAQ(S) – Inuit boat.

The Only Englishman Going To Switzerland With A McLaren Is Lewis Hamilton

2007-11-22T14:59:00.000Z

Here's a forward I got sent at work today...

Tributes are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country laughed itself to death. The alarm was first raised at around 10pm last night as thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.

Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north just after midnight only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.

By dawn, as RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.
Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: "We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of 70 shilling. They seemed to be at peace."

He added: "In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees. "It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over."

Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.

Catch

2007-10-26T15:05:00.000Z

"Look at this rock."
"Boulder."
"Look at this rock."

Just When You Need A Knitting Needle...

2007-10-16T14:51:00.000Z

A conversation in a charity shop on Saturday.

Us: Do you have any rollerskates?
Old Woman: (apologetically) Oh no, they're far too dangerous for us to sell...
Us: Ah! (we turn to leave)
Old Woman: (Interupting us mid "Ah") You wouldn't believe how long the list of banned things is...
Us: Oh? (we turn back automatically)
Old Woman: (just getting started) Do you know we're not even allowed to sell knitting needles because the kids come in and buy them, take them into school and stab their friends. Oooh, that's what society is like today...
(brief pause)
I'll tell you what else we're not allowed to sell...
(she turns her back to find the list - we leave)
...gas fires, that's what...
(her voice trails off)

Human Tetris

2007-10-06T22:12:00.001Z

This is incredible!

Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants

2007-10-01T14:21:00.001Z

Part of a skit at Evan and Lise's wedding on Saturday.
Photo by Ses!

This Is Mental!

2007-09-11T21:49:00.000Z

Kids plan jaw-dropping train prank

Daddy Freddy

2007-09-05T20:56:00.000Z

Osaka 2007 Review

2007-09-03T13:45:00.000Z

A couple of weeks ago I gave some predictions on the GB medallists at the World Athletics and here's the results

My predictions for Osaka medals were:
Jessica Ennis - Heptathlon (4th)
Chris Tomlinson - Long Jump (DNQ)
Philips Idowu - Triple Jump (6th)
Men's 4x100m - Relay (Bronze)

Also watch out for:
Marlon Devonish - 100m (6th)
Nicola Sanders - 400m (Silver)
Jemma Simpson & Marilyn Okoro - 800m (Semi Final)
Kelly Sotherton - Heptathlon (Bronze)
Goldie Sayers - Javelin (DNQ)
Jo Pavey - 10,000m (4th)
Women's 4x400m - Relay (Bronze)

Apart from Chris Tomlinson and Goldie Sayers who were below par and Philips Idowu who was coming back from injury - these athletes performed to their expectation or better.

I did miss out Christin Ohurougu who I really didn't think would be sharp enough after 12 months out of competition but coming into the championships fresh and with added determination (that and world no 1 Sanya Richards running in the 200m) enabled her to win the gold.

Here's a run down of all the British athlete's and how well they performed. + means I thought they performed better than expected and - means I thought they did worse.

EVENT ATHLETE POSN PERFORMANCE +/-
100m Marlon Devonish 6th 10.12s
Craig Pickering SF 10.21s
Mark Lewis-Francis SF 10.17s SB
400m Tim Benjamin SF 45.44s
Andrew Steele Heats 45.54s
Martyn Rooney Heats 45.47s SB
800m Michael Rimmer SF 1:45.66
1500m Andy Baddeley 9th 3:35.95
5000m Mo Farah 6th 13:39.13 SB
3000mSC Andrew Lemoncello Heats 8:58.93 -
110mH Andy Turner SF 13.27s PB +
400mH Dale Garland Heats 49.98s
High J Germaine Mason DNQ 2.19m -
Tom Parsons 10th 2.29m PB +
Martyn Bernard 14th 2.29m PB +
Pole V Steve Lewis DNQ No Mark -
Long J Chris Tomlinson DNQ 7.89m -
Greg Rutherford DNQ 7.77m
Trip J Phillips Idowu 6th 17.09m
4x100m GB 3rd 37.90 SB +
4x400m GB 6th 3:01.22 SB

EVENT ATHLETE 2007 PERFORMANCE +/-
100m Jeanette Kwakye QF 11.26s PB +
Laura Turner SF 11.32s
Montell Douglas QF 11.39s
200m Joice Maduaka QF 23.22s
Emily Freeman Heats Disqualified –
400m Nicola Sanders 2nd 49.65s PB +
Christine Ohuruogu 1st 49.61s PB +
Lee McConnell SF 51.07s SB +
800m Marilyn Okoro SF 1:59.63 PB +
Jemma Simpson SF 2:00.47
Jenny Meadows SF 1:59.39 PB +
1500m Lisa Dobriskey SF 4:08.39
Abby Westley SF 4:09.67
5000m Jo Pavey 9th 15:11.83 SB +
10000m Jo Pavey 4th 32:03.81
3000mSC Hatti Dean Heats 9:43.23
Helen Clitheroe Heats 9:45.59
400mH Tasha Danvers-Smith 8th 54.08s SB +
Pole V Kate Dennison DNQ 4.20m -
Javeln Goldie Sayers DNQ 57.23m -
Hept'n Jessica Ennis 4th 6469pts PB +
Kelly Sotherton 3rd 6510pts SB +
4x100m GB 4th 42.82s SB +
4x400m GB 3rd 3:20.04 NR +

Key: SF–Semi final, QF–Quarter final,
DNQ-Did not qualify
NR–National record, PB–Personal best,
SB–Season best

Ohuruogu, We Salute You

2007-08-29T14:36:00.000Z

Go To Rehab

2007-08-29T09:29:00.000Z

The debate about drugs and music has come up again after Amy Winehouse's parents-in-law appealed for her fans to boycott her music due to her drugs problems.
The other side of the argument says that all the best music seems written while on drugs - take the Beatles for example*.

I think that the music industry should, in a similar fashion to sporting authorities, ban performance enhancing drugs – so anyone caught wont be able to release an album for 2 – 4 years say and will have a life time ban at the Olympics.

*By the way, I think taking recreational drugs is really stupid and irresponsible.

Are You Surprised That City Beat United?

2007-08-20T11:05:00.000Z

Yes, City never seem to do very well at teams in the bottom half of the table...

Osaka 2007

2007-08-17T10:09:00.000Z

With the Athletics World Championships coming up in just a weeks time, the GB team have set themselves fairly lofty targets of 3 medals and 14 finalists.

We really don't have that many world class athletes at the moment but there is definatley potential and you can see the selectors having one eye on London 2012.

My predictions for Osaka medals are:
Jessica Ennis - Heptathlon
Chris Tomlinson - Long Jump
Philips Idowo - Triple Jump (if he's fit)
Men's 4x100m - Relay (fingers crossed)

Also watch out for:
Marlon Devonish - 100m
Nicola Sanders - 400m
Jemma Simpson & Marilyn Okoro - 800m
Kelly Sotherton - Heptathlon (until the javelin)
Goldie Sayers - Javelin
Jo Pavey - 10,000m
Women's 4x400m - Relay

Here is the squad with their position according to season's best performance (2007) and current world ranking (RANK).

EVENT ATHLETE 2007 RANK
100m Marlon Devonish 17 11=
Craig Pickering 39 11=
Mark Lewis-Francis >50 31
400m Tim Benjamin 29 22
Andrew Steele 31 32
Martyn Rooney >50 48
800m Michael Rimmer 22 21
1500m Andy Baddeley 26 16
5000m Mo Farah >50 27
3000mSC Andrew Lemoncello >50 26
110mH Andy Turner 30 14
400mH Dale Garland >50 >50
High J Germaine Mason 11= 18
Tom Parsons 29= >50
Martyn Bernard >50 30
Pole V Steve Lewis 39= 42
Long J Chris Tomlinson 8 15
Greg Rutherford >50 >50
Trip J Phillips Idowu 9= 6
4x100m GB 2 -
4x400m GB 6 -

EVENT ATHLETE 2007 RANK
100m Jeanette Kwakye >50 28
Laura Turner 33 >50
Montell Douglas >50 >50
200m Joice Maduaka >50 33
Emily Freeman >50 >50
400m Nicola Sanders 16 6 (56*)
Christine Ohuruogu >50 >50
Lee McConnell >50 >50
800m Marilyn Okoro 20 15
Jemma Simpson 34 24
Jenny Meadows 37 17
1500m Lisa Dobriskey 33 >50
Abby Westley 50 >50
5000m Jo Pavey 28 5 (45*)
10000m Jo Pavey 11 5 (45*)
3000mSC Hatti Dean 28 18
Helen Clitheroe 46 >50
400mH Tasha Danvers-Smith 22 11
Pole V Kate Dennison >50 39
Javeln Goldie Sayers 4 9
Hept'n Jessica Ennis 3 4
Kelly Sotherton 11 3
4x100m GB 5 -
4x400m GB 11 -

* World Ranking over all events.

Flippin’ Students

2007-08-15T08:52:00.001Z

At the World Student Games, which believe it or not has nothing to do with International Drinking Championships, there was a bit of a cock up – the sort of thing very reminiscent of Student’s Union run events.

Britain’s Simeon Williamson won the 100m gold on Saturday but due to a failure with the starting gun a false start was not called and after protests from other competitors they had to run the whole thing again on Sunday, in the rain.

All credit to Williamson who ran even quicker to record a time of 10.22 seconds to win – again.

Enjoying It While It Lasts

2007-08-13T09:19:00.000Z

Athletics: Performance vs Potential

2007-08-09T14:11:00.000Z

Here is an extract from a BBC website interview with former GB Athlete Kriss Akabusi on the current state of British Athletics. I'm really impressed with his no nonsense answer.

If you could make one change to improve the performance of our athletes what would it be?

I would reward performance not potential. If you perform, you will get money. If you get money you can prepare for next year. And guess what? If you don't perform next year, tough luck.

We have been looking at potential and setting certain criteria as to how people should be performing and where they've got to go training, and that's rubbish.

Some of the current crop got paid too much too soon. You've got to keep them lean and hungry and ready to die for the shirt. You've got to get people that are ready to step in and step up because they love the sport. And then you pay them because they're delivering.

Can You Feel The Power

2007-08-08T13:15:00.001Z

In my opinion, here are the top 10 events featured on Gladiators.
C=number of Contenders
G=number of Gladiators
T=time limit

1: The Wall (C=2, G=2, T=60s)
1st=10pts, 2nd=5pts, remaining on wall=5pts
Contenders are chased up a climbing wall by Gladiators who set off 10 seconds later.

2: Duel (C=1, G=1, T=30s)
win=10pts, survival=5pts
Armed with a giant cotton bud or “pugil stick” the Contender and Gladiator try to knock each other off their platforms.

3: Hang Tough (C=1, G=1, T=60s)
reaching Gladiator’s platform=10pts, surviving in scoring zone=5 pts.
The contender's task is to reach the Gladiator's platform by swinging between the rings, the Gladiator would attempt to intercept them and with the use of the “body scissors” technique, pull them off.

4: Gauntlet (C=1, G=3/5, T=30s)
Points varied between series.
A Contender has to run down a narrow tube by passing Gladiators armed with ramrods or power pads.

5: Suspension Bridge (C=1, G=1, T=60s)
win=10pts, survival=5pts
Contender and Gladiator, armed with hammerheads (sticks with padding) faced each other on a suspension bridge. the aim was to knock the Gladiator off the bridge and reach the their platform.

6: Powerball (C=2, G=3/2, T=60s)
Outer Basket 2 Points, Centre Basket 3 Points
Contenders have 60 seconds to place balls in the five scoring baskets on the pitch whilst the Gladiators had to tackle the contenders, preventing them from scoring.

7: Pendulum (C=1, G=1, T=60s)
(Series 4-6) surviving 60secs=10pts, surviving 40secs=5pts
(Series 7-8) upper section target=3pts each, lower section target=4pts (max 10pts)
A 5m diameter ball swung 40 feet off the ground. The Gladiator’s aim was to grab the Velcro tag attached to the contenders back. Later 4 targets were introduced around the ball.

8: Pyramid (C=2, G=2, T=60s)
reaching top first=10pts, reaching top 2nd=5pts
Contenders aim to reach the top of the big black and white pyramid while gladiators attempt to throw them down to the bottom where they start over again.

9: Atlaspheres (C=2, G=2, T=60s)
each goal=3pts
Contenders and Gladiators are caged in large hamster balls. The contenders' task is to roll the spheres onto any of four scoring pods where the inevitable smoke billows up into their face.

10: Skytrak (C=2, G=2, T=n/a)
first=10pts, second=5pts
Contenders are connected to an upside down Scalextric figure if “8” track. They have a 10m head start on the Gladiators whose aim is to hit the detonator button trailing behind the Contenders.

Other events that were generally rubbish:
Catapault, Danger Zone, Dogfight, Hit & Run, Joust, Pole-Axe, Pursuit, Sumo Ball, Swingshot, Tightrope, Tilt, Virtigo, Whiplash

Is Shark A Red Herring?

2007-07-31T14:46:00.000Z

This headline seen today on Yahoo.

The Mind Boggles

2007-07-07T16:45:00.000Z

In our church small group* we were discussing the change that was happening in our lives just now and I realised how much marriage is like the game Boggle.

It starts with a big shake up (which I would say is the most fun part).
Next the pieces start to fall into place.
Then you get on with it trying to make sense of it all.

Obvious when you think about it.

*jargon: cell group

Live Earth

2007-07-07T16:41:00.000Z

So why do we need a rock concert to tell us how to wire a plug?

FAQ

2007-06-29T09:33:00.000Z

14 days, 14 hours and 15 minutes till I'm married!

Because people are asking me the same questions over and over again here are the definitive answers...

How are the plans going?
Yes they are getting there slowly, we are currently try to recruit people to help out at the reception washing up/directing cars etc.

Are you excited?
Yes, but not right now – if I was in a constant state of excitement, I think I’d die of an adrenaline overdose.

Where are you going on your honeymoon?
It’s a surprise and I am not telling you. Even Zoe doesn’t know.

What is the dress code?
It’s a wedding! Although if you want to bring a change of clothes for the afternoon that might be wise.

Where are you getting married?
Wedding here!
Reception here!

Where will you live after you are married?
Here!

Long Dave Silver

2007-06-20T10:12:00.000Z

So I wen't to Adair's Pirate Party last night and on the way home I stopped off to refuel at Newport Pagnell services.

I only realised that I still had my pirate name sticker proudly displayed on my t-shirt as I was walking back to the car. D'oh.

“I run as hard as I can. Then, with God's help, I run faster”

2007-06-15T13:30:00.000Z

This is me running the 2nd mile of the Colworth 5 mile relay at lunchtime today. I really didn't feel as happy as I look here.

Click on picture for more.

Perfect Lack Of Signal

2007-06-15T08:50:00.000Z

Don't you find people who sell you mobile phones the most irritating people in the world?

I am getting an upgrade on my mobile phone (same number - yipee) but I had to endure a 15 minute phone conversation with Clint, who spent about 5 minutes explaining in depth how the network now had about 99.9% perfect coverage. This was after we had to end the first call because of lack of signal.

P.S. In the picture of a "mobile phone" the guy at the front really isn't putting much effort in is he.

Stag (Grrr) Party

2007-06-11T15:54:00.000Z

A beautiful and highly random* time was spent celebrating the end of singlehood for Chris Foster, a.k.a. Mr Hat, by climbing up some big hills in Wales. Check out the photos (courtesy of Steve, a.k.a Mr B.B.L.W, and Chris).

*A potato in the form of the Pope firing arrows...??

P And A Richardson

2007-06-08T09:04:00.000Z

photos by Tim Ecclestone

What Is That!?

2007-06-04T13:32:00.000Z

The 2012 Olympic Games Committee have launched their new logo for the 2012 Olympic Games - I thought I could have produced a better one in under 5 minutes and using Comic Sans.

So I did...

I Belong To Jesus

2007-05-24T12:48:00.000Z

And I thought that players were not allowed to be owned by 3rd parties...

Another Tribute To Ben Dirs

2007-05-22T12:50:00.000Z

Here are some more masterful quotes from Ben Dirs (BBC text commentary) on the first test match between England and the West Indies...

Aaah, the English summer. The sound of leather on willow, the smell of freshly cut grass. Village folk dancing round the Maypole, attractive ladies in strappy tops, aggressive looking men with their shirts off drinking strong lager in town centres. Finding yourself nuzzling an unwashed armpit on the Tube in 50C heat. It's going to be another belter ladies and gents.

My colleague tells me Lord's has "the best drainage of any pitch in the northern hemisphere". Weirdo.

I have heard a rumour on Cricinfo that Monty is set to play. Like the way I've blamed it on Cricinfo if that's not the case?

Watching Test cricket again is like slipping into a Penguin Classic after seven weeks locked in a room with only the entire back catalogue of Nuts magazine to read.

Indeed, if Cook was a cook, he'd definitely be a no-nonsense Delia Smith rather than an "ooh, look at me" Heston Blumenthal.

"Just seen a helicopter fly past our office dragging the banner "tekcirc fo emoh eht - S'DROL" Any idea?"

So slip off your shoes under the desk, undo one button on your shirt/blouse and grab a couple of Lilts from the office fridge - And students - DO SOME REVISION!

Oh my giddy aunt! That's an absolutely shocking drop from Ganga at gully. Absolute lollipop. Morton, in shock, jumped in the air at second slip, a bit like Joe Frazier after getting punched very hard in the face by George Foreman back in the day.

Gloria! Gloria! In excelsis Deo! Bell is off the mark with a clip to mid-wicket for one.

Collymore goes through Bell like an Abrakebabra kebab

[About Paul Collingwood] All hail the Steve Davis of cricket (and I mean that in a very nice way).

He punches Plunkett through point for four before opening himself up and marmalising the Durham man over mid-wicket for another.

Not looking good folks, this game needs to be put out of its misery like the rabid badger it is turning out to be.

And for added measure, some snooker ones too...

This is like De la Hoya-Mayweather, except in evening dress and with sticks.

Maguire, I'm told, has a raft of nicknames. Originally, I thought my favourite was 'On Fire Maguire', but then I thought, if he's playing rubbish, it doesn't really work. So now I like 'Live Wire Maguire' instead.

He gets another go and slams home a red into the bottom right and it disappears like a rat up a drainpipe.

This is snooker at its most strange and its most hypnotic - watching this is like having some mushroom-induced dream.

The Scot looks like he's sat in a hospital waiting room anticipating a vasectomy.

Stu Poppins

2007-05-21T13:38:00.000Z

Manly Weekend On The Isle Of Wight

2007-05-15T12:39:00.000Z

This weekend I had my stag party (jointly with Phil) in which we went to the Isle of Wight to be manly...

The manly activities were...

- Camping in the rain
- Football
- Golf
- BBQ on the beach
- Fighting
- All day breakfast at Morrisons

You can see more photo's here, or joff's blog here.

A Short Story

2007-05-09T13:07:00.000Z

So the woman at Sainsbury's Petrol Station says to me: "Are you collecting children's vouchers?"

"Yes" I replied, "I almost have enough now for a child"

Silence

Finding The Source Of The World's Longest Zip

2007-05-08T14:08:00.000Z

This part of the description of a very very funny comedy drama from BBC Radio 4:

Another Case Of Milton Jones

Tuesday's 6:30pm on 93.0FM

Definitely worth a listen.

Peter Andre Is Not Dead

2007-05-02T13:41:00.000Z

Peter Andre has, according to this article, been forced to admit he is still alive.

I too would like to admit to still being alive and would also like to wish Peter a speedy recovery.

Another Post About Sporty Stuff

2007-05-01T14:59:00.000Z

So, I was watching Peter Ebdon almost make a 147 at the Snooker World Championships last night and I got really excited as I’d never seen one happen live (on TV). He messed up on the 12th black but it got me thinking what the most special achievement an individual can accomplish at the highest level in any sport would be. Things that even the greatest players rarely achieve.

I have tried to put these in some kind of top 10 although quite often they depend on the quality of the opposition and so the ordering of these are disputable.

1. Darts: 9 dart finish.
2. Cricket: Hitting 6 sixes in 1 over.
3. Athletics: Breaking a world record.
4. Gymnastics: Scoring a 10/10.
5. Snooker: A 147 break.
6. Golf: A hole in 1 / An albatross (3 under par).
7. Football: Scoring from behind the half way line / running the ball from own penalty area and scoring.
8. Cricket: Hatrick (3 wickets in 3 balls).
9. Swimming: Breaking a world record.
10. Boxing: First round knock out.

Are You A Pole Vaulter?

2007-04-23T19:04:00.000Z

Bizarre Pole Vault Video
No I'm German but how did you know my names Walter?

I've Got A Job

2007-04-16T19:53:00.000Z

I've got a job.
What is it?
I'm a meteorologist.
How's it going?
It's looking up.

I've got a job.
What is it?
I write for a weekly magazine.
How's it going?
It has its issues.

I've got a job.
What is it?
Manufacturing surfaces which shops use to serve customers.
How's it going?
It's a bit counter-productive.

I applied for a job.
What is it?
Working for Citroen
How did it go?
For some reason I had to send 2CVs.

I've got a new job.
What is it?
Clearing leaves.
Is it well paid?
I'm raking it in.

I've got a job.
What is it?
I bring insects in from across the border.
How's it going?
Its an important job.

I've got a job.
What is it?
I'm a binary encoder.
How's it going?
I get 10 day weekends

I've got a job.
What is it?
Swearing very rudely at people who ask me how its going.
Hows it going?
I'm not very good at it yet.

I've got a job.
What is it?
I'm a large, highly vascular lymphoid organ, lying in the human body below the diaphragm, serving to store blood, disintegrate old blood cells, filter foreign substances from the blood, and produce lymphocytes.
How's it going?
Spleen-did.

I've got a job.
What is it?
Doing magic tricks with 3 playing cards.
How's it going?
It's no big deal.

I've got a job.
What is it?
Growing Genetically Modified salad.
How's it going?
Great - I get a huge celery.

I've got a job.
What is it?
Driving for Williams F1 team.
How's it going?
Could be Wurz.

I've got a job.
What is it?
Training Medieval Jousters.
How's it going?
I have to work knights.

"Go And Have Some Fun, You Boring Lot"

2007-04-16T19:34:00.000Z

Here are some highlights from my 11 days working with the 8-11’s programme at Spring Harvest. This probably wont make much sense unless you were there - I've tried to make it readable.

In no particular order.

1. When asked if they’d ever had a prayer answered, one kid in my group leaned over and said she hadn’t but I was able to say that when she and her friend had prayed for my shoulder (which I couldn’t move without it hurting) the day before, the pain went almost immediately. The next day she got a text from a friend we had prayed for and God had answered that prayer too.

2. A conversation with a fellow team member, Dave from Stafford, over dinner…

Me (feeling touched): This kid said I was her favourite leader ever!
Dave: Was this her first time at Spring Harvest though?
Me: Yeah, but she was in your group.

3. After finishing go-karting in which I had driven like a maniac for 15 minutes, a guy came up to me and said I needed to use my mirrors more. It turned out it was my old driving instructor, Adrian.

4. Licking my foot.

5. Beating a team of old men in the first round of the 5-a-side football competition.

6. Finding out that a team mate, Richard, is my spiritual son once removed and lived in my Dad’s house while at Uni.

7. The miscreant incident (ask me about this later).

8. Going to the Event Leadership Team hosted party with Zoë and Robert and talking about how there should be gunging in the big top with the MP for Bedfordshire North East, Alistair Burt.

9. Having breakfast with Zoë every day.

10. Playing a game of tough rugby through a pitch of a football game featuring Tim Vine.

11. The Steve Chalke virus (please note: this has nothing to do with UCCCF and this).

I Don't Like Cricket - I Love It

2007-03-28T09:16:00.000Z

I have been enjoying the Cricket World Cup and have for the first time realised what the Long Wave frequency on my car radio is useful for. However while at work I have been able to follow the matches on the BBC Website text commentary service which is fantastic. My favourite "commentator" is Ben Dirs, here are some extracts...

“Watts latches on to an Ntini short ball and swinging him over the mid-wicket boundary. That was like seeing a mouse-like museum curator burst from behind his desk and lay-out a couple of rowdy youths pawing a priceless vase. That was one of the worst analogies I've ever written. I can't apologise enough.”

“Hayden marches down the pitch towards Collymore, bat raised, as if he's just returned from the theatre to find him rifling through his wife's knicker draw.”

“Thinking about scary times in my life, an internal flight in a storm in Nam (Viet, not Dagen) must be up there, but I also recall going to an Erasure concert in about 1990. That was terrifying.”

“I had a nightmare about the World Cup last night. I dreamt I was in the Caribbean and just before the Australia v South Africa match, I saw a load of Aussie players grab South Africa all-rounder Shaun Pollock, do unspeakable things to him and throw his body onto some weird conveyor belt thing. And as he disappeared down the belt, his head fell off into a box.”

“It was Lara diving over the ball, hitting the deck like a geriatric being tipped out of his wheelchair.”

“Bit of Toto as Hoffmann makes his way to the middle - "I bless the rains down in Africa!" - smashing. My favourite Toto number is Rosanna. I used to go out with someone called Rosanna. Her mum looked like Cher.”

“Pollock is tighter than the Elephant Man's hatband”

“Freddie has been spotted practising his shots. Not pull shots or cover drives. Sambuca”

“Antigua should just be glad that Cliff Richard isn't at the game...”

Computer Says No

2007-03-22T22:56:00.000Z

I have just finished reading an immense book about a Russian navy officer, Sergei Kourdakov, in the 1970's who escaped the communist persecution of Christians, which he was involved in, by swimming through icy waters to Canada from his ship 12 miles from shore.

Here's a quote:

During my weeks in jail, someone from a government office came to me and said something to the effect, "Kourdakov, we have checked your story very carefully from start to finish. We have put all the factors into a computer, especially programmed to make an analysis. We have put in the water temperature, the direction and strength of the wind, the severity of the storm, the distance from the ship to the shore, the height of the waves-even your physical strength. Our analysis is that your swim and survival were impossible. This is the conclusion of our computer. Is there anything at all that you have failed to tell us about that night?"

I thought for a moment and said "The only thing I left out is that I prayed to God very much."

He left, then came back a few days later. "Sergei," he said, "you'll be interested to know that when all the factors were fed into the computer, including your prayer to God, the computer now reports that your swim and survival were possible. We believe your story."

Song For Europe

2007-03-16T10:30:00.000Z

On Saturday the nation will decide who will represent the UK at this years Eurovision Song Contest (12 May).

There are 6 contenders and here's what they've had to say...

Justin Hawkins (from The Darkness)

"I think it's the biggest, most glamorous and possibly the most important music event there is"

Randy (Big Bruvaz)

"This is an opportunity for us to showcase UK hip-hop and R&B on a world scale. We're the first urban group to ever be asked to do this competition, so we consider that a privilege as well."

- How could he forget the very urban Love City Groove of 1995?

Brian Harvey (of East17 fame)

"It's the best song I've ever recorded ever - or could ever hope to record. It really is that good"

- What? Better than "Stay Another Day"? Or "Love, Let It Rain"? Or "Thunder"? No, surely not. (Incidently Brian has recovered from running himself over in his Mercedes-Benz.)

David Ducasse (Scooch)

"It's about time Eurovision had a pop act to go through for the UK,"

- 'Cos we all remember how good Gemeni were.

Cyndi (she's French)

"I really have faith in people, they will choose whatever song touches them the most."

– Of course they will dear!

The other contestant is Liz McClarnon (ex-Atomic Kitten), who hasn’t said anything too silly - yet.

Waiting For The Summer

2007-03-13T09:47:00.000Z

(to be read in a shouty voice)

Yesterday temperatures soared to almost 15 degrees C so that must mean its the summer...

NO IT'S NOT

STOP wearing shorts - especially school kids
STOP trying to make the most of it by doing everything outside
STOP eating ice cream
STOP thinking Tim Henman is about to win Wimbledon

IT'S MARCH

They forcast frost next week - that'll serve you right.

You Can't Spell Slovenia Without Love

2007-03-04T20:56:00.001Z

Phone Call...

Mark: Hi Dave
Me: Hi Mark, how are you?
Mark: Fine. Look I can't talk for long... I'm in Slovenia.
Me: Oh Ok...

:
:

Me: Well have a nice time in Slovenia then.
Mark: You too.
Me: ????

Defibrillated Horse Blood

2007-03-01T16:16:00.000Z

Another highly bizzare e-mail at work today:

We have some defibrillated horse blood which has been delivered to the wrong address and cannot be returned - We have been asked to dispose of it.

If this is of any use to you, then please contact Lab Services.

I Didn't See That One Coming

2007-03-01T11:24:00.000Z

One thing at work that seems really strange to me is the enormous secrecy that surrounds the signing and giving of the inevitable birthday card - like the person doesn't know about they're gonna get a card.

Greatest Sporting Moment #2 (Eric Liddell)

2007-02-26T21:42:00.002Z

I wasn’t alive when this happened as it was in 1924 but it is still such an inspiring story that was retold by the very 1980’s film Chariots Of Fire – with some artistic re-writing.

Eric Liddell was the son of Scottish missionaries and spend his first 5 years in China before going to school in England. He was a sporting all rounder and played rugby for Scotland. His speed earned him the nickname “The Flying Scotsman” and he was one of Britain’s best hopes for an Olympic 100 metre gold at the 1924 Paris Olympics. He was also renown for his unconventional running style of sticking his head back and waving his arms.

His determination to put God first meant he was not prepared to compete on a Sunday and so pulled out of that event deciding instead to compete in the 440 yards (400m) – an event he was far less familiar with.

The standard was high and in the first semi-final the world record was broken by one of Liddell’s opponents, then in the second semi, the record was broken again. Liddell had the outside lane for the final and just ran flat out from the gun – in his own fantastic words, “I run the first 200 metres as hard as I can. Then, for the second 200 metres, with God's help, I run faster”.

The other competitors were so blown away by his pace, in trying to catch him 2 of them just collapsed before reaching the finish. He set another world record of 47.6 seconds in taking the gold medal.

He gave up competitive running to become a missionary in China where he worked up to and during the Japanese and Chinese war where he tirelessly served in a medical centre putting his life at risk on numerous occasions. He died in an internment camp at the age of 43.

Greatest Sporting Moment #1 (Nancy Kerrigan v Tonya Harding)

2007-02-17T11:44:00.000Z

I know figure skating is not the most thrilling of sports but for one night in 1994 it provided one of the most gripping stories the Olympics have ever seen.

Two American skaters, Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were USA’s best hopes for gold in Lillehammer but during a training session for the US Championships in January 1994 Kerrigan was attacked as she left the ice. She was struck just above the knee by a metal police baton. Harding won the competition while Kerrigan had to withdraw.

As it transpired, Harding’s ex-husband had hired a man to make the attack and Harding admitted to helping to cover up the attack but the United States Olympic Committee were unable to remove her from the Olympic team. They were still arguing the point after the opening ceremony. Kerrigan was also selected if she could recover in time.

Everything was set up for the most dramatic finale to the story but there was so much more to come.

Kerrigan led the competition after the short programme with Harding down in 10th. When it came to the long programme, Harding’s name was called but she didn’t appear for over a minute and a half, racing onto the ice, inhaler in hand.
She missed her first jump and dissolved into tears. She explained to the judges that a lace had broken during her warm-up and that she had not had time to fix it. 20 minutes later Harding returned, hit four triple jumps and moved up to eighth place.

Kerrigan skated the performance of her life, just making one double jump instead of a triple. She was placed first – a remarkable comeback.

All except for one thing – Ukrainian 16 year old and World Champion, Oksana Baiul.
She herself had been injured after training colliding with another skater and needed pain-killing injections.

She ended up taking the gold by 0.1 of a point in a 5-4 decision by the judges. Kerrigan had to settle for the silver.

Where are they now?
Nancy Kerrigan: She was criticized for leaving the Olympic venue before the closing ceremonies to take part in Disney World parade and was heard to say: “This is dumb. I hate it. This is the most corniest thing I have ever done.”

Oksana Baiul: Emigrated to America and was arrested for drink driving and went into rehab. She also has her own line of clothing and jewellery.

Tonya Harding: She was stripped of her 1994 US title, then stripped to become an internet porn star. She saved an 81 year old woman with mouth to mouth resuscitation. She then became a professional female boxer, winning 3 fights.

Stupid Stupid Stupid Government

2007-02-12T17:16:00.000Z

Right - The government want to charge us for every car journey we make. OK so they want to cut down on congestion - fine! BUT they propose fitting cars with tracking devices - which we have to pay for - that registers how far we go / how fast we travel etc etc. Then charge us for each journey.

We already have a tax for how often we use our cars on FUEL. So why don't they just put up tax on fuel???? Saves the nonsense over making us pay for our own tracking devices, it's also means that more fuel efficient cars are charged less too.

grrr!

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer-Holder

2007-02-07T10:47:00.000Z

A nice little article on the old BBC website gives this as the formula for the beer goggle effect (how attractive someone becomes after alcohol).

Aswell as the amount of alcohol consumed, it takes into account light in the room, your vision, and the distance from object of attention.

A score of:
less than 1 means no effect.
1-50 means slight effect.
51-100 means non-appealing becomes suddenly attractive.
more than 100 means minger becomes supermodel.

So next time you're out on the pull, don't forget your light meter, tape measure and calculator!

Vice Chancellor, Ladies And Gentlemen, Graduands

2007-01-31T09:54:00.000Z

Get The Nudey On

2007-01-25T10:05:00.000Z

Tonight (Thursday), my former housemate and co-presenter of our radio show on RaW, Adair is attempting to make it on his own. He is appearing on Anita Anand's show on 5live as a guest panellist.
The show's website says this about him:

Adair is 24 years old. He's done nude modelling and used to fence for Wales. He once smuggled bibles into Eastern Europe. On tonight's show he'll tell us where he hid them.

The show is on between 10pm and 1am on 909 & 693 AM/MW but if you miss it or you are reading this posthumously then you can downlaod it again from here.

Mr Pong Hi

2007-01-22T22:40:00.000Z

As Ding Junhui was losing to Ronnie O'Sullivan in the UK Masters final and someone in the crowd was shouting something derogatory about the Chinese (although this could have been to O’Sullivan) I was playing Mysteries of Old Peking with Joff and Jenna (whom I would like to thank for their wonderful hospitality over the weekend – thank you) which is a fantastic board game combining Cluedo and Guess Who but with Chinese stereotypes. Yet another board game they should start a World Championships in.

The Factory

2007-01-21T22:01:00.000Z

It's a while since I posted anything evangelistic so here's the new Alpha Course promo video that was shown in church this morning - it's very good!

11 Stone Dog To Be Put Down

2007-01-15T11:13:00.000Z

Recent News Story: Two brothers from Fordham, Cambridgeshire were convicted of causing unnecessary suffering by feeding their labrador, Rusty, chocolate treats.
The RSPCA have regretfully had to put the dog down...because their arms are beginning to ache.

Get Out The Sand Bags

2007-01-11T11:21:00.000Z

According to the news: Severe weather brings flood risk.

You may know I live next to the Great River Oose and I was alarmed to see my house was inside the purple "danger" area.

If you want to follow the flood news then click here.

Apple Unviel Their New 10 Foot High iPhone

2007-01-10T10:07:00.000Z

All you need is a hand thats twice as big as that man to hold it!

Day Of The Traffords

2007-01-09T10:18:00.000Z

Highlight from Chris and Rachel's wedding:

Minister: (reading vows for Rach to repeat) As Christ loved the church,
Rach: (silence)
Minister: (louder and more deliberate) As Christ loved the church,
Rach: (pauses) That's wrong!
Minister: (glances at service sheet) Oh, it is wrong!

afterwards

Minister: (sympathetically pats Chris on shoulder) She doesn't miss a thing, does she!

Eulogised

2007-01-06T21:56:00.001Z

Thanks to Mr Peter Swan for this biog written for the RaW Sport Blog.

MEET THE TEAM #5 - DAVID SHEFFIELD

Name: David Sheffield

Position: Legend

Team: Crystal Palace

Home town: Bedford at the moment – lucky him

First Match for RaW Sport: Coventry v Norwich (Nov 05)

Famed for his passion for athletics and amazing investigative journalism Dave Sheffield is probably one of the most universally popular people ever to speak into to a RaW microphone (with the possible exception of Timmy Mallet). Sadly, now that he is out in the real world – he works for Ben and Jerry’s don’t you know – we see less of him than we’d ideally like, however whilst he can’t always make the show his creative genius is always in play via the RaW Sport Quiz.

People often ask me who this ‘Dave Sheffield’ we always refer to during the quiz actually is and whether he is real. Well I can confirm that the seemingly mythical quiz master who would class the Sport Watchers Guide as his Bible (if he didn’t already rate the actual Bible so highly) is a genuine person. If you haven’t caught the RaW Sport quiz tune in Saturday’s from 5.30pm to be both entertained and educated. Ever wanted to know what a ‘googly’ is? Tune in and you just might find out.

Nevertheless before he left for the real world quiz master Dave was equally respected for his ‘witty’ one liners and amazing special reports which took him to, among other places, Warwick’s first dodgball tournament and the Horse of the Year Show. Certainly without Dave RaW would have been a lot duller place to be over the last year or so. Mr Sheffield – I salute you.

Also see these extreamly well written "Meet The Team" files.

Pete Timothy, David Hawkes, Peter Lefort, Rob Stevens

First Mixed Metaphor Of 2007

2007-01-04T14:07:00.000Z

Happy New Year etc.

Great mixed metaphor heard at work today:

"You're asking for a cruising"

The Search For Arnie Begins?

2006-12-22T13:26:00.000Z

After the success of the reality TV talent show "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria", the BBC and ITV have both announced programs to find new stars for West End musicals.

The BBC's "Any Dream Will Do" seeks to find a new Joseph for "Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat", while ITV search for Sandy and Danny for a new London stage production of Grease.

What next? Well maybe five will come up with something like: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Terminator (The Musical)

www.stupid.com

2006-12-18T19:14:00.000Z

Google has announced it top internet searches of 2006 (here) and I reckon it shows a fair amount of stupidity...

In the top 10 are:

Bebo (www.bebo.com)
MySpace (www.myspace.com)
Wikipedia (www.wikipedia.com)
Metacafe (www.metacafe.com)
Mininova (www.mininova.com)

It reminds me of a scene from the Simpsons when Homer picks up the phone and says

"Operator, give me the number for 911"

I just wander how these people ever found Google in the first place.

World's Tallest Man Rescues Dolphins

2006-12-14T18:13:00.000Z

Here's a good story...

Hai Hai and Le Le were in a bad way after swallowing bits of plastic they had bitten off the side of their pool in Royal Jidi Ocean World aquarium in Fushun city, China.

Vets decided the only way to remove them was by hand, but noone could reach far enough into their stomachs, so they called in local celebrity, Bao Xishun, famous for being the world's tallest living man 2.36-meter (seven-foot-nine-inch).

His metre long arms were able to reach into the dolphin's stomachs and retrieve the plastic and save the dolphins - what a hero.

"Dolphins usually put on a show for us visitors so when I was told they were ill, I felt I should give them a hand - literally. I never thought my long arm could be used this way,"

S.P.O.T.Y.

2006-12-11T10:51:00.000Z

Last night was the BBC Sport's Personality Of The Year and in my opinion it was one of the best shows for a long time - probably because it was so hard to predict the winner. I think Zara Philips was one of 4 or 5 people who would have made worthy winners and it was good that some of the lesser known achievers were put in the spotlight due to the lack of contenders from the more popular sports.

I did think 100m world record holder, Asafa Powell, is up there with Roger Federer and Tiger Woods for best overseas performer of the year.

I rated the contenders in three catagories.
Achievement (/5): what did they achieve in their sport this year.
Personality (/2): how well known are they to the general British public.
Profile of the Sport (/3): How highly is the sport regarded in the country.

What do you think?


Pos "Athlete"       Ach   Pers   Prof   Total
1.  Zara Philips    4.5   2      1.25   7.75
=   Joe Calzaghe    4.5   1.25   2      7.75
3.  Ricky Hatton    4     1      2      7
4.  Nicole Cook     5     0.5    1      6.5
=   Andrew Murray   2     2      2.5    6.5
=   Monty Panasar   1.5   2      3      6.5
7.  Phil Taylor     4     1      1      6
=   David Walliams  4     2      0      6
=   Beth Tweddle    4     1      1      6
10. Darren Clarke   2     1.5    2      5.5
11. Jenson Button   1.5   1.25   2.5    5.25

Insightful Eyewitness

2006-12-07T15:02:00.000Z

A Tornado has caused exrensive damage to a row of houses in North London today.
ITN reported covered the incident by interviewing an eyewitness.
He insightfully said "it went a bit dark" and showing his vast knowlegde of tornados by describing it as "like some sort of cyclone".

He saw the devistation through his sky-light going on to say "I heard what seemed like large, clay dominoes falling" - that'd be the roof tiles then!

Got Your Number

2006-12-06T14:13:00.000Z

Got the new Bedford Phone Book yesterday and guess what - I'm in it! Ha ha ha! I probably shouldn't be as excited about it as I am but there I am, next to 6 other Sheffields, yipee!

Oxford Street

2006-12-05T13:40:00.002Z

At the weekend Zoë went to London to buy a bridesmaid or something… anyway I met her for lunch in Oxford Street and as I was walking down to House Of Fraser (apparently where you buy Bridesmaids) the following happened:-
- I was almost converted 3 times by street preachers
-- my favourite quote was “If you take the ‘S’ and ‘N’ away from SIN you get ‘I’ which proves we are all sinful”
-- one guy next to me shouted “F-ing shut up… I’m on the phone” as if that was a good enough reason for the preacher to put down his microphone so this guy’s mate would not hear of his imminent judgement.
- Someone dressed as a bear (but could have been a hedgehog/mole etc) roared in my face
- I was in several tourists’ photos trying to capture the 3 ballet dancers on stilts holding onto John Lewis’ window for dear life.
- Was almost trampled by a marching band of Santas.
- The bagpipe band made up entirely of Indians were momentarily drowned out by an electric guitarist sound checking
- I just managed to escape the perfume man in House of Fraser who tried to spray me with after shave

Victory In Australia

2006-12-01T08:58:00.000Z

England win the toss...

A Favour

2006-11-29T14:02:00.000Z

RaW Sport are having a review of 2006 on Wednesday (6th December) and are taking votes for the personality of the year. Please register your vote here! Thank you.

That's "Mr D. Sheffield MSc" To You

2006-11-23T09:10:00.000Z

Good news this week: I passed my Masters!

My supervisor said:

I was very pleased with your dissertation and your mark was 65

Also congratulations to all the other stats masterers who all passed! Go us!

(In other news MSN has decided to work of my pc now so send me your address and I shall add you.)

An Unusual Request

2006-11-15T15:55:00.000Z

E-mail sent round work today that was just a little bizzare...

"Does anyone have any interest in sheep dips?
My father in law's life time work was sheep dips and we rescued his collection of ticks from the bin man. It is an extensive collection of animal parasites, preserved in a variety of means that I could not see destroyed. They need a new home. Any ideas?"

Stupid Man On The Train

2006-11-10T11:12:00.000Z

Yesterday I took the day off to attend the 11th annual Student Radio Awards, and because our sports quiz had been nominated for best comedy and entertainment I got to go for a tour around GCap offices in Leicester Square including standing in the Classic FM studio while they were on air!

The quiz didn't get a placing but nomination was better than we expected. Otherwise it was a brilliant night for RaW...
- Second in the best station category "a close second to URN (Nottingham)",
- Gold award for the techies for their studio rebuild,
- 2nd and 3rd in best interview, (one I "produced")
- 3rd to Matt Rebeiro for best newcomer,
- Jimmy and Adam were unlucky to only come second in best entertainment.

(click here for Chris Doidge's account)

On the way home I got chatting to a guy on the train who works in lighting at a theatre. At first I was glad to have someone to talk to and listened to him rant on for a bit (showing genuine interest) but when I finally got to say where I had been (and I was gagging to talk about our 6 awards and Jo Wiley) but he immediately turned the conversation back to himself, never asking me a single question about my evening or infact about me, presuming to know it all already. It was such a frustrating conversation, so if your reading this Mr I-missed-out-on-a-really-interesting-conversation because-I-only-care-about-myself, next time you talk to someone on a train please LISTEN, just for a minute.